Yep, there’s 2 parts to this story so settle down with a cuppa and enjoy indulging in someone else’s pain for a minute.
I loved torturing myself with birth stories while I was pregnant (along with binge-watching One Born) so thought mine might make for good freak-out reading. FYI, you’re never going to predict how it’ll go for you so don’t get too hung up worrying about it.
1) The Induction
I was a week overdue when I was induced due to lazy-ass deciding to be on the small side. Contractions started pretty much straight away and I did the famous ‘roam around the hospital’ for a few hours until I realised that the tiny trickle down my leg after peeing had actually been my waters breaking and not some weird post-pee treat.
2) The labour room
Once I was in full swing, I was moved into the labour room and given the best present a girl could ask for, gas and air. I literally loved the stuff – I was so off my face I was merrily texting various people (including a poor male work colleague who really didn’t want to know) my progress until the pain upped to the level where mooing like a cow was required.
3) Going tits up
So the mooing is all going swimmingly, until my midwife checks to see if I’m ready to push and I hear “ok, your cervix is weird”. Sorry, what now love?! She gets the Dr in and he’s telling me to get an epidural in case we have to go to surgery so I’m finally able to stop the primal moaning and chill for a few hours….
4) Even more tits up
…nope, no chilling I’m afraid. No sooner have they got the epidural in, baby’s heart rate starts racing and then stopping in rhythm with my contractions. Excellent stuff. Suddenly the room is filled with god knows who and they all seem to be arguing over the top of me. Turns out, no one can understand what the Dr is telling them to do and everyone is getting themselves in a pickle. Wonderful.
5) I don’t want to
Baby has a sucky cup thing on its head (we didn’t know it was a girl) and everyone is yelling at me to “PUSH!” But somewhere about 2 hours ago I forgot the whole point as to why I was here and have since decided I don’t really fancy pushing. So I literally make the face. Just a pushing face. And everyone seems happy with that. And on we go, me with my pushing face and the Dr with his pulling device – and somehow, the guy manages to defy nature and launch my little creature into the world (removing the cord from her neck that had caused this whole palaver in the process).
6) Oh shit
One Born had taught me that the second you set eyes on your newborn, the tears start to flow (they did for me every episode). But once this writhing, screaming mass was finally placed on my chest, I simply felt total shock. I’d completely forgotten that the end result to the previous few hours of madness was an actual real life baby. I was so shocked, in fact, that it took me a good 5 minutes to remember I didn’t know her gender and actually check who the hell she was. Poor chick – mummy’s a bit more on it now.
So, that’s Part One of my birth story concluded. I am aware that Part One appears to have covered the entire birth, but trust me, there’s more fun in store. For now, let’s leave the scene with Moo on my chest and go make ourselves a fresh cup of tea to recover from the memories…