Shitstorm – a poem

Shitstorm – a poem

There’s poo on the changing mat
There’s poo on the floor
There’s poo up your back now
And some smeared on the door

There’s poo in my hair
I’ve got poo in my eye
Poo smeared on my cheek
And I just want to cry

It clings to your clothes
Another outfit to bin
You’ve got crap head to toe
So where to begin

I could run a bath
But what if you roll
And it spread even further
While crushing my soul?

Keep your hands still please
Stop sending them South
If you get poo on your fingers
It’ll end up in your mouth

So what is the answer?
Can someone send aid
I’m stuck in a shitstorm
That I can’t evade

With poo up my arm still
While wiping away
I’m just spreading it further
We’ll be here all day

Look, I’m a grown woman
I must think this through
I should plan and prepare
So I know what to do

But, oh no, there’s more now
You’ve started again
Enough poo to now bury
An army of men

Right, I can’t do this
It’s too much to bear
I’m drowning in wastage
A waking nightmare

I rush into the bathroom
As you wiggle and squirm
Pop you into the loo bowl
While holding you firm

Push down on the handle
And the jets keep at bay
All the panic and poo-fear
As I flush you away.

(FYI I have never actually flushed my baby down the toilet – this is simply for comedic effect. I am highly adequate in the art of the pooey nappy change. Most of the time.)

Mummuddlingthrough
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9 Comments

  1. March 30, 2017 / 4:47 pm

    Oh my goodness this was JUST the laugh I needed after today – thank you for making me chuckle and for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely xoxo

    • muffintopmummyblog
      March 30, 2017 / 5:01 pm

      No problems – we all need a poo poem in our lives!

  2. April 4, 2017 / 11:11 am

    Oh that’s brilliant! Imagine if there was a “insert baby safely here” flush device? (Warm water obvs. I’m not a total barbarian.) I mean yes we’ve got showers and things but there is still too much ability to wreak havoc in those! So many chuckles. Thanks for sharing with #DreamTeam x

    • muffintopmummyblog
      April 4, 2017 / 11:37 am

      I feel a patent coming on… we could make millions (or people would just be sensible and use showers…)

      • April 4, 2017 / 11:41 am

        Oh but that’s no fun at all! 😂 Let’s do it. Dragons Den here we come! 🌟 x

  3. April 10, 2017 / 11:33 am

    Hilarious! And oh so familiar. Just this weekend we had a poo in the pyjamas. The stuff just gets everywhere! #DreamTeam

    • muffintopmummyblog
      April 10, 2017 / 12:31 pm

      Oh nooooo! That’s never fun 😂

  4. April 27, 2017 / 9:48 am

    We’ve had a few of these fun moments above! Think it’s the only times I’ve been totally speechless! 😶 😂

    • muffintopmummyblog
      April 27, 2017 / 10:21 am

      Haha we had a crazy one the other day where she very nearly did get flushed away for convenience 😂

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