It’s no secret that I’ve often been less than nice to my husband these past 4 months of being a new parent.
Since having our daughter, we’ve struggled together through the sleepless nights, never-ending days and mounds of bodily fluids. We’ve cursed and we’ve sworn and we’ve personified evil. We’ve pretty much torn each other to shreds.
In all honesty, our slagging matches could rival those of even the bitchiest of 15 year old girls.
So in a bid to be kinder and to reclaim common ground, I’ve come up with 5 nice things I can say to him instead of, ‘shut up d***head’.
You look so sexy smeared in poo
This one is a guaranteed winner. Every husband wants to know that despite struggling as a new parent, he still looks manly and hot. What better time to convey this to him when he’s knee-deep in a sh*t-storm? Ego booster and (hopefully) repeat poo-cleaner sorted!
It really turns me on when a man washes up
Totally for his benefit. Completely. OK, maybe it has a slight slant to it to work in your favour, but it’ll make him feel like a dish-washing hero.
You don’t look as old and weary as you did last week
Week by week, things are bound to get better for any new parent. This, in turn, will make you both look and feel better. So celebrate this fact by pointing it out. In front of his friends and family. They’ll all love you for it.
The baby has your little toe
We all know your little cutie-pie is the spitting image of you and you only. They have your eyes, nose, elbows and bottoms. They just do. It’s how life goes. But poor old Daddy needs something to recognise as his own. After all, you don’t want him getting suspicious now, do you? So the little toe is a great place to start. It’s the mini-est of miniature sausages and resembles absolutely nothing. Let him have it. Go on…
Go f*** yourself
Now, this could be misconstrued as being a nasty thing to say to your loved one. But fear not, it holds a double-entendre that is sure to make him happy. When he looks at you in shock, simply smile and say – you know what I mean. Give a little wink, then sashay off. Works like a charm. After all, as a new parent, he’s the only person he’s going to be getting lucky with anyway.
So there you have it – 5 completely practical ways to make your husband feel like the best man in the world. I’d recommend throwing these in after every ‘kn*b-jockey’ or ‘a**-wipe’ comment, just to level the playing field and keep him sweet.
If you have any more tips to share with me, I’m all ears. The tw*t-flaps won’t know what’s hit him!