A few weekends ago, I went on my first proper night out since I had my daughter.
My sisters are still young and vibrant (well, we’re all in our twenties but as the eldest, I feel old) and wanted to take me out dancing. Since the husband is happy to look after baby by himself, I thought why the hell not?
So off I toddled, thinking it’d be just like the old, pre-baby days of getting pissed and trying to avoid heading home with a drunken stranger. I’m joking, I’m joking! A sober stranger would do (seriously husband-dear, I am joking!).
But it wasn’t quite the same.
In fact, it was completely different. Who knew that having a baby would totally change your hedonistic tenancies? You all did? Just me then…
So here’s some advice for anyone taking a new mother on a night out for the first time…
They will struggle to get sexy enough for a night out
Most (all) of my partying outfits are currently screwed up in a bin bag labelled ‘does not fit the fat cow‘. Well, they aren’t actually labelled that but they should be. I had literally nothing to wear. Everything I tried on just didn’t look the same with the lingering muffin top.
Pre-baby, my aim for a night out was to look sexy. This time, I was desperately attempting anything the right side of ‘had a wash sometime recently‘. My sexy is no-where to be seen at the moment. Thank f*** for my sister who produced a gorgeous pink dress that didn’t cling to the wrong places.
I knew it’d all be OK when my youngest sister saw me and proclaimed in utter shock, ‘OMG, you actually look really nice‘. Considering she’d seen me twice earlier in the day, I’m guessing I’d scrubbed up well.
They are a cheap date
At least 9 months of being teetotal is great for a money-saving night out.
I was hyped up on a couple of proseccos and an unsolicited tequila shot. That was all I needed to have a lovely, tipsy time. There’s no way as a parent that I was going to get hammered. I can’t even bear the thought of being hungover with a baby. It gives me the creeps.
I also found something rather shocking. In the old days, I’d have pushed to the front of the bar, elbows out, to get our drinks. Apparently having a baby strips you of the desire to be so unsavoury. Instead, I actually directed the barman to another girl beside me to order first since she wasn’t paying attention. She was probably more shocked than if I’d slapped her in the face. I gave myself a mental high-five for the slap of kindness.
They’ll get excited when they actually know the songs
I’m not down with the latest clubbing tunes anymore. Possibly because I call them tunes.
I spent the night alternating between dancing excitedly to every song I knew and standing still in a strop to every one I didn’t. Drunk me doesn’t like dancing to songs I don’t know. And there were quite a few. It’s hard to keep up with all the recent clubbing tracks when you don’t go clubbing.
I did still enjoy dancing despite this set-back. I’d been so worried that I’d forgotten how to dance – even practicing in my sister’s kitchen beforehand. Turns out, I needn’t have worried. Once I got onto the dance floor, I slipped right back into my groove and loudly declared, ‘I’ve still got it‘, to my amused siblings.
They’ll tire swiftly and want to go to bed
Don’t expect to be partying until 6am.
After a strong 30 minutes of dancing, I was pretty much ready to call it a night. I used to wander home in the early hours with the company of morning bird-song. Now, I wander home with the company of drunken revellers just beginning their night out.
Sleep features pretty highly on my list of priorities nowadays. So while it was great to let my hair down for the first time in a long while, it was even better to slip into bed afterwards.
They’ll spend the late night trip to McDonald’s sobbing into their chips
You will want to discuss the events of the night over a Big Mac and milkshake.
However, if the mother is staying away from her baby for the night, there is no hope. The minute she leaves the club and remembers that there’s a life outside, she’ll want her baby. She’ll miss her baby more than you’d miss your right arm if you left it at home for the night.
I decided more than once that I’d walk home (a good 2 hour trek) in the middle of the night to go and see my daughter. Who would be asleep. And who wouldn’t want a drunken mummy waking her up. Thankfully, my sisters talked me out of it. But they had to put up with a lot of moaning until the morning. Sorry ladies.
So that is what I would like you to expect when you take a new mummy on her first night out. She’ll have an absolute blast (hopefully), but be gentle as it’ll all feel very different from what she’s used to.
Is there anything you think I’ve missed? Let me know in the comments below!
The Tale of Mummyhood