I don’t want to be a selfish mother, but…

I don’t want to be a selfish mother, but…

Anyone who reads my blog regularly (hey you gorgeous human) will know that I’m in the throes of trying not to be a selfish mother.

It’s an active activity that is taking place daily.

It’s not because I prioritise anything else over my baby. Nor is it because I blame her for my muffin top (that was the fault of many-a-doughnut!). And it’s certainly not because I deny her anything.

Selfish mother

I’m a selfish mother because I want her to need me

And she totally doesn’t.

Don’t worry – I’m not going to prattle on about it again.

Long story short, she’s fiercely independent. She adores her father and spending time with everyone in her family. She’ll squirm until she’s facing outwards when you carry her and she won’t give you a cuddle. From an early age, she stopped sleeping on us and preferred to nap in her cot. She can be left with anyone she knows for any length of time and she’s not phased at all.

Although, strangely, she’s very wary of strangers and is prone to tears if they scare her.

But all in all, she’s pretty much a relaxed, happy baby.

So why does this bother me?

The selfish mother in me craves attention. Yep, I’m attention-seeking from my baby.

But recently I’ve realised how destructive that need could turn out to be. You see, as parents, we are supposed to guide the way for our children. Be their strength when they need a boost. Their guide when they can’t quite find their way.

If I’m spending all my time trying to make her want her mummy, I’m diminishing that authority. I’m becoming the needy baby.

And that’s the selfish part. It’s not fair on my little one if I become a pushover just so she likes me. Of course, with a face as cute as hers, I’m sure she’ll get away with murder anyway. But letting her do what she wants purely so she ‘loves’ mummy more will just confuse her in the long-run.

I don’t want my daughter to feel like she can’t leave my side. I don’t want her to be unkind, unruly or plain spoilt. A balance is all I’m after.

I don't want to be a selfish mother

So I’m sucking it up

As I’m writing this, she’s starting to get a bit more cuddly.

She reaches out to give me sloppy, open-mouth kisses every-so-often and occasionally she looks at me just to check something is OK. At least, I like to think she does.

But as I’ve already mentioned (in a massive blog post obvs) I’m going away with my sister later this month.

If she was a clingy baby, that would be impossible! So there are huge upsides to her being so relaxed. And I guess that leaving my baby girl for 4 days to go sun it up in Majorca could also be counted as selfish.

So technically, I can’t really escape it the ‘selfish mother’ title anyway.

At least if she misses me while I’m gone, then I can snuggle her in my selfish arms when I get back!

Have you ever realised that you were being selfish with your children? Let me know in the comments below!

Rhyming with Wine
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13 Comments

  1. August 4, 2017 / 9:54 am

    My daughter was the same and everyone said to me it was a sign she was securely attached and therefore had the confidence to be comfortable with others. So take heart in the fact you’ve clearly done your job right if she’s happy to be with everyone but you!

    When I went back to work when she was two, we went through a tough phase where she actively shunned me. My partner became the primary parent as he worked closer to home than I did, so he manned the nursery run, and she seemed to go through a phase of punishing me for it. But it all evened out in the end. 🙂

    • muffintopmummyblog
      August 4, 2017 / 10:55 am

      You have no idea how happy this makes me!! Her teeth have been hurting the past few days and I’ve actually been cuddled into over daddy which I think is a sign I do actually matter to her, so this would be wonderful. Aww when I go back next year it’ll be the same – daddy doing the drop-offs, so I wonder if it will be similar. At least I know it works out ok if it is! Thank you so much for your comment 😊

  2. Suzanna Mazz
    August 4, 2017 / 3:15 pm

    Haha I wish my daughter wasn’t as attached to me…i don’t even get to pee alone!!!! I’m so envious that there are babies out there like yourm beauty who will just go with it. Other family members take it really personally that she screams if she is left with them for 2 minutes. This started at 9 month’s, she’s 16months now and it hasnt changed!! We continue to try. And you’re not selfish at all I’d be the same – although i feel selfish that I actually really want 5 minutes peace – I feel she is like a monkey baby / toddler sometimes lol and it gets tiring sometimes as bad as that sounds!

    • muffintopmummyblog
      August 4, 2017 / 7:14 pm

      Haha so it basically sounds like we are all just selfish in different ways depending on the baby!? See I think I’d love her to want me as much as that, but then like you say, the reality is that you can’t get a minutes peace and everyone else gets upset! Perhaps somewhere in the middle would do for the both of us…? 😂

  3. S
    August 5, 2017 / 10:11 pm

    News flash: you created another, separate human being from yourselves who has her own brain and body. Film at eleven.

    • muffintopmummyblog
      August 5, 2017 / 10:17 pm

      Haha newsflash: thanks for the update, I wasn’t aware! Hope it’s something good – Moulin Rouge is a firm fave 👍🏻

  4. August 8, 2017 / 12:13 pm

    Oh Lucy, just enjoy her whatever the cost. Im a selfish mother as I secretly want my girl to need me 24/7 when I know that’s not healthy. My daughter was so clingy and everyone said about a rod and my back, but. She’s 13 now and believe me, she’s anything but clingy. I have to pin her down and kiss her face all over (much to her disgust sometimes)! Liz x
    #dreamteam

    • muffintopmummyblog
      August 8, 2017 / 6:18 pm

      Hahaha OMG you are me! I will be totally chasing her around in front of the ‘cool kids’ trying to give her kisses and cuddles – I bet she’d hate it if you didn’t really! My mum was never very tactile so perhaps that’s why I want her to be a bit more cuddly. Oooo revelation! X

      • August 8, 2017 / 8:45 pm

        We can both be one of those old women that when you go around to their house they say ( with a gummy smile) “gish ush a kish” 😂😂xx

        • muffintopmummyblog
          August 8, 2017 / 8:49 pm

          😂😂😂 then make our 50 year old children sit on our laps! X

          • August 8, 2017 / 8:53 pm

            😂😂

  5. August 14, 2017 / 1:18 pm

    This is such an interesting one. I don’t think your selfish for wanting your little one to want you. We all do. But I do know that the more supported independence and courage you can give them, the happier they will be in the long run. #Dreamteam xx

    • muffintopmummyblog
      August 14, 2017 / 1:45 pm

      Thanks Annette, I do agree with you, I’d much rather she was happy and independent… she’s gradually getting a little more cuddly so I think that’ll help hugely! X

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