There are no two ways about it, teething sucks.
I thought we’d miraculously escaped the well-documented misery that is painful teething since we had 3 pop through unannounced with not a smile out of place. In fact, so casual were those amazing teeth that I only realised they’d cut through when she bit my grandmother.
Not sure I’d win any prizes for observation there!
However, the fourth little blighter – a top front tooth nonetheless – was not so kind. One minute I’m putting teething gel on a sore gum and then literally 30 minutes of screaming later, it’s there gnashing away at me. And she’s happy as Larry (I bet Larry never teethed. Is it teethed? Is that even a word?).
I can handle 30 minutes
It’s quick and although painful, it’s done and dusted and we can get on with watching Dora the Explorer on Netflix again.
What I can’t deal with, is that it set the standard for the next teeth to be a b*tch to come through. And these ones are taking their sweet ass time. As I write this, I’m on day 3 (or 4, I can’t remember now) of little sleep and deafening screaming/whimpering/some sort of annoying noise. She’s immune to Calpol and Bonjela. She barely hugs me anyway so that doesn’t help. There is literally nothing I can do except offer a few words of meaningless encouragement. Mainly meaningless since she doesn’t have a clue what I’m saying. But I’m almost sure that my high-pitched, CBeebies tone is conveying the message.
I don’t deal well with watching my baby in pain. Which I’m fairly certain is not a trait unique to myself. In fact, I’m pretty sure all of us parents that have gone through (or are currently going through with me) the teething process have struggled to watch the love of their life writhing, dribbling and moaning in agony.
You’d be a bit weird (or let’s face it, cruel) to enjoy it really.
So with this in mind, I thought I’d put together a…
Teething survival guide for parents
This guide isn’t about how to help your baby get through this phase – there’s plenty of info on Auntie Google about that!
Instead, I’m here to give you some tips on how to make it through it yourself without pulling out your own incisors.
So buckle up and get ready to smoothly ride the dizzying waves of mania that is teething hell:
Stock up on chocolate – a lot of it
Chocolate is first on my list as it’s most important. Without chocolate, life is just one, long teething journey. Believe me when I say that chocolate can get you through anything. The bigger the bar, the better the support – so opt for family-Christmas-special-size fun for maximum effect.
Dig out the winter earmuffs
I’m not going to suggest making an expensive purchase of noise-cancelling headphones (which is totally what you need). Instead, up-cycle a pair of fluffy earmuffs (every one has them, right!?) to partially block the assault on your eardrums. You might look like a class A twat in the middle of summer, but your throbbing temples with thank you.
Make it a drinking game
Perhaps only try this survival tactic if there are other responsible adults around to step in once you’re stripping naked and skinny-dipping in a bush. Every time the baby cries, take a shot. For every moan, down your drink. Each whimper equals a different alcoholic beverage. Pretty soon after this game starts, you’ll forget all about teething. You’ll probably forget you’re a mother. In fact, good luck remembering your name.
So, since I’m not the only person who has had to survive through the hell of teething, I decided to reach out to some of my blogging crew to find out how they got themselves through.
‘I kept thinking that they’d soon all be through and life would be simple again. Little did I realise a few years later, there’s more teeth trauma when all those gnashers you willed through have to all drop out. Cue lots of wiggly teeth and hysterics as they hang by a thread’ Beth, Twinderelmo
‘Keep the grandparents on speed dial so you can call them in and catch up on your sleep!’ Emma, Emma Reed
‘Wine!!!! All….the….wine! Everything’s better after wine isn’t it?! ‘ Jo, Miracle Max
‘Baths! My little one would really chill out even in the worst of teething days! I once gave him three baths in a day!’ Erica, The Star Whisperer
‘Move out & leave the husband behind 😉 – after all those early newborn nights, teething is definitely their time to step up! ‘ Hannah, The Amphletts
‘Plenty of wet wipes and anti bacterial lotion! My boy had the runniest poops while teething. They were awful!’ Emma, Me and b make tea
‘Invest in some good quality whiskey. I hear it’s very good for teething pain. Just pour it directly into your mouth and swallow.’ Georgina, Gee Gardner
Thank you ladies!
So basically the advice is to hand the the baby off while downing alcohol and repeating re-affirming mantras into wet wipes. Sure, I’ve got this!
While it may not last forever, it certainly feels like it at the time. My top recommendation is to do all you can to survive – whatever it takes. Good luck parents… I’ll see on the other, pearly-white side!
Did you have any original methods of surviving the teething stage? Let me know in the comments below!